What’s Wrong with You, Girl?!
Let’s talk about this…
You see me and think, “Oh! She just needs help with walking. A cane or something of the sort can solve that.” Let me tell you, that thought is inaccurate, sweetie. It’s a little more than just a walking issue.
Memory
My memory is TRASH! I am not going to dumb it down and make it sound better than what it is. Nah, we keep it brutally honest on the ruptured sunflower. Things that happened forever ago, my brain can remember with no real issue. Something that was said or took place 15 minutes ago, I can’t retain. It is the most annoying thing ever. What makes it worse is when someone responds to me with, “Jaleesa, we just talked about this.”
If this has ever been your response to me, just know I cursed you out on the in my head. Thank you for letting me know we just talked about this, but guess what? I still don’t remember and your smart ass retort isn’t helping me remember any better. So, save it, love.
Incontinence
Okay, this one is super embarrassing to talk about openly. However, you all know I believe in the power of laughter so if at any point you want to laugh, please laugh.
I am not sure the connection between your brain and your bladder, but there is a connection. I never ever had issues with using the bathroom on myself (just pee ) before my injury, but guess what, now I do. If I don’t go to the bathroom as soon as I feel the urge, there is a very real chance I will go on myself.
It happened all the time in the hospital. Whatever, right? That kind of comes with the territory, but my full expectation of my body was that it absolutely would not happen when I was discharged. Ha! Don’t get me wrong I’m not walking around with pee just flowing out of me (lol). It is more of an issue if I don’t go to the bathroom when I first feel the urge.
This becomes a real issue at night while I’m sleeping (no, I’m not going in the bed), but if I don’t get up AS SOON as I feel the urge, I will pee at the bathroom door. It is SO EMBARRASSING!!! I get so pissed (literally, ha!). Damn! I made it to the bathroom, my body couldn’t wait for me to get on the toilet?! My niece, whom I introduced you all to in this New Year post helped me realize how normal this was for someone with an injury like ours. I decided to bring it up in one of my support groups and EVERYONE was so happy I brought it up, because it happens to them too. Let me tell you what I don’t have time for: pee anywhere but the toilet ().
In my head
It bothers me to no end when someone says something along the lines of:
* Jaleesa, you need to stop thinking too hard about it, and just bend your leg when you walk.
* Jaleesa, it’s all in your head. If you think differently your body will perform differently.
Listen, I get it. There is absolute truth in how your thinking affects your reality. However, there is also absolute truth in injury outcomes and science and reality. You have no idea the amount of times I beat myself up with, “Jaleesa, just bend your damn leg; Jaleesa, just roll over; Jaleesa, just walk; Jaleesa, just think differently; Jaleesa; just remember, it’s not that difficult; Jaleesa, just grab the cane and walk.”
No one is tougher on me than me. I promise! I talk about this in therapy often. The point is: STOP TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN JUST DO! You have no idea how hard I’m trying. Or stop telling me I just have to think differently and things will change.
Let me be clear, I totally recognize the truth behind positive thinking, and I also recognize in myself that I didn’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I am here to tell you I am always in my head about what I could be doing differently or better. I am very hard on myself. Very! So just be supportive and root for me. Yes, if I am BS-ing myself you’re allowed to tell me that too, but let it be in the form of a conversation piece and not, “Jaleesa, all you have to do is…” because if it were that simple, I would do it, babe.
PTSD
I don’t even have the energy to go into this one right now. I talked about it briefly here. Just know PTSD is a very real thing and when it hits you are cornered into dealing with it (whatever it is). It’s hard and it’s lonely. Thank God for therapy and for a village that works hard at trying to understand. I love y’all.
Deep Sigh
Thank you for coming to my TED Talks (lol). I love all the ways everyone supports me. Sometimes, I just need a moment to get out of my head about what’s happening around me and to me, and sometimes I just need you to let me be frustrated or sad, or even give me space to laugh at the craziness. You don’t have to try and fix me. I go to rehab for that babe (). Join the ride and laugh with me or hug the hell out of me. Whichever is most fitting for the moment.
As always, thank you for letting me share
P.S. I would love it if you all talked to me in the comments. I know this isn’t IG or FaceBook, but reading will do you some good
P.S.S. Follow me on Instagram please https://www.instagram.com/jaleesa3x/
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