Just Getting Some Thoughts Out
Hi, y’all! I am sorry I’ve been absent! Most times, I don’t know what to write about. I don’t want to come off as depressing or nagging, so I choose to just be quiet. I will make a real effort to just share any and all thoughts. If someone thinks I’m nagging… oh damn well, I guess
I have been having really good days lately. There have been a few things top of mind for me:
* Will I ever walk on my own again? Or, at the very least, with a cute cane?
* Will I be able to enjoy the beach and the pool without having to wear this big ass bulky brace or have my rollator near?
* Can I please get a job?! I have GOT to make money again?!
* Anybody trying to date me?
These aren’t crazy or outlandish thoughts (thank God), but they show up often throughout my week. Sometimes, I chuckle at the thoughts. Especially the dating thought . Other times I’m bummed out.
Walking
I have accepted that walking may look hella different for me for the rest of my life. Surprisingly, that doesn’t get me down anymore. Most of me has truly accepted that walking with an aid is part of my life now. However, I want to get a cute ass cane to walk with. Something colorful or neon or sexy black. The problem is… walking with a cane.
Learning how to walk with a cane is taking a long time to grasp. A really long time. It ain’t easy. I totally get how babies feel now (lol), and I will never press a baby out to start walking again. Take your time, babe. We are on YOUR schedule.
My brain can’t quite grasp the cadence of walking with a cane. It doesn’t understand that there is a routine – a rhythm – to walking with a cane. As much as my brain can’t always remember things, it remembers that walking used to be automatic. Now, it takes a ton of concentration and overthinking to accomplish. It’s tough. It’s hard. Period.
I try to remind myself that I could barely push myself in a wheelchair, or walk with a basic walker, and walking with a rollator felt impossible. Getting in and out of a bathroom was super challenging; getting in and out of a bed took a person/people to help me; my mother or my therapists had to help me shower; my dad had to help get me in the car.
The point is, all of that felt impossible. Sticking with it made it easier and easier. But damnit! I just want to walk with a cane, the process of it all is so annoying.
Summer activities
I am so excited to go into summer this year. I actually didn’t like summer before — it was too hot and I couldn’t enjoy the days. Now, I LOVE summer . Love it! I started loving it and the sun in the hospital. My mom would come visit me and on the nice winter days we would go sit outside. When my therapists wanted me to get out they would take me outside. The sun would hit my face and I would be reminded that I’m alive and everything is okay.
When I was discharged, it was smack in the middle of winter. As soon as it got warm out, I would sit in my parents’ backyard and go for walks with one of my soul sisters (she would walk, I would push myself in my wheelchair). I started venturing out with friends when it was warm out. All that to say, I think summer and warmth now reminds me of good health and happiness and freedom. So I am excited for summer to roll around in a few months.
Then, I remember that I am disabled and certain activities take more planning for than ever before.
I want to go to the beach, the pool, travel to an island, ride a bike, and go hiking (I never enjoyed this before, but now I want to do it badly). It’s been literal years since any of this has happened. Remember, before my injury we were in a pandemic, so nobody was outside.
However, there is a lot to consider now. How do I move around a beach? Sure they have special wheelchairs that you can rent at a beach, but what about me standing up at the shore and sticking my feet in the water? I can’t stand in the sand and water because I’ll start to sink and my right leg/ankle struggles to support me.
How can I go to the pool? Moving around a pool is a lot simpler than a beach. However, if I get in the pool, do I leave my rollator/walker on the side of the pool for stability when I get out? How do I get out of a pool if I can’t feel my right leg all of the time, and my leg isn’t always stable?
Going to a hotel makes me nervous. I need a shower chair to shower. I need a big enough bathroom to fit my rollator in there with me. I need a big enough shower to fit a shower chair because I can’t safely stand in a shower. Do people rent shower chairs? Yuck! I am NOT sitting my sweet girl on a shower chair that others have sat on. When I went to South Carolina, my cousin bought a shower chair for me. I am going to New Orleans next week. I bought a shower chair and sent it to my friend’s house. I will NOT keep purchasing shower chairs. They can’t go on a plane with me.
How do I ride a bike or hike? Sure, the very best person can do these things. I just don’t know how right now and I’m not sure where to start. I want to travel to an island and experience the different cultures, but how, when getting around for me is a little more difficult these days?
Jobs
This freaks me out. For a few reasons:
1. Neurological changes
2. Accessibility
I will actually save this topic for another day. There is so much to discuss here. So, stay tuned
Dating
I’m not really sure how much of this I actually care about. I just know the idea of it makes me nervous. When someone new meets me, will they only see me as disabled and not the cool ass, smart woman, funny girl I used to be? Like, I am more than this situation, but do I convince someone of that? Or do I let them figure it out?
Do I tell them how I sleep? With big braces on my legs at night. It’s not sexy, my guy. Actually, it’s the opposite. They are bulky as hell which means we ain’t about to be spooning every night. I’m hot as hell with these braces on. Give me some space! I also need you to load my rollator in and out of the car. And I walk pretty slow when I’m walking. AND I’m still a typical woman with typical woman thoughts. Sure, that means I’m a little cray at times, so what?!
The point is, I have a lot that comes with me these days. How do I introduce that to a new person. Let’s be honest, old flings are NOT an option so I have to think through how to meet someone like this and how to lean on them without feeling helpless.
Let’s just pause on dating for awhile. My head hurts just thinking about it.
Big, but calm *SIGH*
I have come so far. There was a time when I didn’t want to leave the house because it took way too much energy to get outside and then try to get around. I was exhausted before the day even started.
Now? Now you can “cash me outside”. I’m all for being out. I go places. There are times when I am still very insecure about being out. There are times I have to talk myself down and pray for peace and stability. But, we’ll talk about all of that a different day.
I am mentally so much better and I am so grateful for that — thank you, God. And thank you therapy and a little thanks to medication. I just have some thoughts that sit with me often, but we all do, right?
As always, thank you for letting me share
P.S. To my Black kinfolk – going to therapy is good. Taking meds to help with your feelings and depression is okay. You deserve to feel your best self. Getting some help with this is perfectly fine. I promise.
P.S.S. I would love it if you all talked to me in the comments. I know this isn’t IG, but reading will do you some good https://www.instagram.com/jaleesa3x/
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