I'm Tired

I'm not giving up, but I'm tired.

Friends, I am drained. I am tired of healing. It is a draining process that takes so much life out of you—out of me. Fatigue from this journey set in a while ago. The more the days pass, the more opportunities to feel disappointed.

I am fucking disappointed, and I am fucking tired all of the time.

It’s not so much the physical aspect of my healing as much as it is the mental and emotional toll it all takes on me. I can’t say this enough: I’M TIRED!

Please don’t let me paint a false picture; the physical element has its own burden that causes significant fatigue, but these days, the mental and emotional fatigue feels the heaviest to bear.

My injury happened on August 5, 2021. It is now November 14, 2023.

How am I still being affected by this thing all this time later? It does not feel very fair. What did I do to deserve this?

I have made so many improvements and gains physically and mentally. That never vanishes from my knowing. However, the other that comes with a tragic event in your life takes a heavy toll on how you heal and thrive or not thrive.

The other I am speaking of is finances.

I have worked great educational jobs for my entire career: special education teacher, Dean of Student Support, and Assistant Principal—educators need more money, by the way. I made a decent salary with my positions in education. That came crashing down when I had to take a leave of absence because of something that happened to me. On my worst days, I label it the day my body decided to betray me, but I digress.

Why do I have to fight to keep money in my bank account, food on my table, clothes on my body, healthcare premiums, and mortgage paid monthly? No place will hire me because I’ve been out of work for two years, but gotdamnit! I have worked my ass off for everything I have! To now feel like I could lose it because I can’t sustain it right now is so… debilitating.

I would rather spend my days curled over with stomach pains from laughter, not from stress around money. I have never been the money-hungry—no shade if that is you—person. I am always willing to give away whatever I can. Hell, if I could have it my way, everyone worldwide would have free and adequate healthcare, food, education, and access to everything. Some might label me a hippie, and I would gladly wear that label if it meant everyone was taken care of.

There is no reason:

• Anyone who has contributed positively to society has to lose everything when trauma, especially disease, affects their lives.

• I have to pay hundreds of dollars for medication that could save my life—even with insurance.

• I have to go into asinine debt when a medical event upends my life.

• I have to beg my country for food assistance.
  

Some may say I’m just complaining. To those people, I’d say, (read this sentence without taking a breath) let me see how you survive as a single person with your own home and no real income while trying to recover and heal while your brain continuously undergoes transformation, confusion, and exhaustion.

Please don’t mistake my uneasiness for the absence of gratitude. I know how fortunate I am. Every day, I thank God for choosing me to go on this journey and…

I’m fucking tired.