Honoring My Progress

When I came home from the hospital my sister helped me write out some goals for myself. We put them on a nice sized white board and hung them where I could see them everyday. I didn’t talk about my goals often with anyone. I would, however, read them over every single day and night. I was super determined to meet these goals.

I would be lying if I didn’t point out how seeing the goals everyday was encouraging and discouraging. They gave me hope knowing I could one day make it to those things, but it also felt like a far distant dream, and it was a not so pleasant reminder of just how bad my world had been turned upside down.

Take a look at my original goals. It’s time to update these, because, baby! I’ve met some of them!

Transferring to/from couch and toilet independently

I can’t fully express how humiliating it felt to not be able to go to the restroom by myself. When I was in the hospital I had to actually use a diaper. When I went home, I had to use a bedside commode. The commode was usually kept beside my bed, but during the day we would move it to the hallway for easy access. My parents had to assist me in getting on it.

If I had to use the restroom at night, I had to call my dad so he could come to my room to help me out of the bed and on to the commode. We didn’t trust my body to get from bed to commode independently. I needed one of my parents to help me off the couch and on to the commode.

Let me paint the picture for you (feel free to laugh, we have to find humor in the midst of it all). I would be sitting on the couch watching TV and it would hit me that I need to use the bathroom. I would call one of my parents to help me. They would help me off the couch and onto the commode. If it were just me and my mother home, we would bring the commode to the living room, because it took a lot of energy and effort to get off the couch and to the back where we kept it. Bringing it to us saved time and energy. We like light in the house so the blinds would be open. There I am sitting on the commode in the middle of the day handling my business while watching TV (lol).

Oh, but now!!! Now, I am independent in all my bathroom needs. I can get up and go to the bathroom now.

Move to my house

There was a time I actually thought I would have to rent my house out. This devastated me. I had just made it a full year in my house before I was hospitalized. I couldn’t see past what I was going through at the moment. Would I actually get better? Would I still be able to move around my house? Would I be able to cook myself a meal? Could I have visitors?

I was heartbroken about my house. At one point, I completely gave up on my house — gave up the idea of moving back. It no longer felt like my home. I didn’t feel joy in it anymore. This was mostly because my life was so different now and I couldn’t see past the heartache. I didn’t like it anymore. I feel so ashamed to even put that thought in the open, but it’s true. This situation completely broke me down.

I am happy to say that I am happy to be back in my home. Living my new life on my terms. Adjusting to my new world. Taking life one day at a time, and consistently showing myself grace and in awe of myself with how much I can do on my own, and how much I have conquered.

Not only did I move to my house, but I can do things like clean my bathroom on my own (minus mop the floor). I can cook myself dinner and I can shower on my own all the time.

Always Learning

I am constantly learning how to give myself grace and be gentle with myself. I also like to push myself more these days. It is so important for me to remember where I’ve been, and set goals so I can guide where I’m going.

I’ve said this before, I am so sorry this happened to me, but I love the woman emerging from the pain.

As always, thanks for letting me share

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