God’s Plan: In the End, I Win
I have some really great news to share with you all! The last time I spoke with all of you, I informed you all that I was told I had another aneurysm that had formed in my brain. Well, guess what?
THAT WAS NOT A FACT!!!! Look at God’s grace and mercy! Stick around for the story
Dr. Fine (MY neurologist) was out of town, but I was due for my routine angiogram. His colleague, Dr. Haze (not my guy), stepped in to support us while Dr. Fine was away. Dr. Haze finished the procedure and saw me in the recovery room to update me on my results before I headed home. He informed me a baby aneurysm had formed. For me, it seemed as if the world went silent for a moment. Whatever sun I had started to see — and believe me, it took a lot of work to begin seeing any light — turned black and cloudy. I was utterly crushed and heartbroken. How could this be?!
I thought all this was over. I thought the pothole in my road was filled and cleared. I thought I could finally breathe a little. Needless to say, none of that was true. It was as if Dr. Haze had a vacuum and sucked all the oxygen out of my body. I struggled silently for a very long time. I kept telling people I was fine, but I was devastated. Joy and happiness were fleeting or nonexistent.
I kept asking God if He was punishing me. I felt betrayed. Nothing made me feel good. I was completely broken and felt unworthy. People kept telling me to be calm and not stress about it, but that felt like an unreasonable ask. From my perspective – I had just spent more than a year of my life dealing with the hardest thing I had ever experienced, and now here we are saying I may have to deal with that hard thing again? That didn’t feel fair or just.
My best friend, Eboni, stepped in and, as she’s done previous times, told me to get a second opinion and meet with my neurologist, Dr. Fine. I knew she was right, but I felt so defeated that it took me a couple of months to finally make that appointment, but like the true friend she is, she asked me every single time we interacted. I got annoyed at her asking AND at me dragging me feet, that I finally called to make the appointment. Thank you, friend. You get on my nerves, but I love you down!
I was able to meet with Dr. Fine a couple of weeks ago. Now, follow me, there are many details here
He walked in, being all suave like the cool and fine doctor he was. Before I realized it, he talked about things I felt had nothing to do with what I needed to hear. Although they probably did, but I only needed to hear one thing: what’s up with this damn baby aneurysm?!
He said something along the lines of: There is no baby aneurysm. Dr. Haze made a mistake. He saw where we blocked off the original aneurysm and thought it was a newly formed one, but it was not.
There is no baby aneurysm. Dr. Haze made a mistake. He saw where we blocked off the original aneurysm and thought it was a newly formed one, but it was not.
Maybe not his exact words, but you get the point!
I could have screamed with joy and relief. It was as if all the sun that was hidden by the darkness came out ready to shine brighter than ever. GOD, THANK YOU!!! Now, I had spent a couple of months really despondent. All the light in my world had faded. I’m not sure the people around me really knew how painful this time was for me. I didn’t want to show anyone, because I didn’t want anyone to worry about my sadness.
But wait! How did he confuse something you all worked together on with a newly forming aneurysm??? Questions that won’t get answered right now. Let me focus on this fantastic news instead. (Just like this sentence in real time, I had to cross the thought out of my head when this happened because I had questions and was quite upset that I spent the last few months thinking I was doomed.)
Now? Now all I wanted to do was smile and shout to the heavens and let everyone know how faithful my God was. I could have kissed Dr. Fine. He has been such an amazing doctor to go through this experience under.
The icing on the cake was what he said to me after the good news (again, paraphrasing, but I’m not making it up — ask my parents…) He went on to tell me that I was/am a miracle. Apparently, he told my mom that my case was a case study because people couldn’t believe I had survived.
My other doctor says the same thing when I see her. She has told me, ” You shouldn’t be here. God has a plan for you.”
I called Dr. Fine’s executive nurse (I KNOW I butchered her title!) She said after my appointment Dr. Fine went to her office and shared the amazing news. She said that was a big deal for him because he never does that.
Dr. Fine went on to explain to me what they did in my brain to save my life (click the links to get a better understanding):
August 2021 – Performed a craniectomy
October 2021 – Replaced my skull
January 2022 – CT Scan
February 2022 – Some type of scan
September 2022 – Insert Flow Diverter – we call him Fred
January 2023 – MRI
April 2023 – Routine angiogram (received the not so great news)
August 2023 – RECEIVED AMAZING NEWS!!!
Let’s talk logistics
This is a picture of my actual rupture. Notice the rupture took place in the middle of my brain. Which explains why/how I have weakness on both sides of my body. Although most of my weakness is on the right side of my body, I have been affected on both sides. What does the rupture look like to you?
To me and Dr. Fine, it looks like a butterfly. Dr. Fine said it was interesting to have my rupture take the shape of a butterfly. He said, “It’s like your rebirth.” He had no idea that is what I call this time in my life, so his saying that felt like poetic justice.
Dr. Fine wants me to LIVE! Really live, because my life is special. Of course, everyone’s life is special, but I’m talking about myself right now.
I was permitted to record our last conversation. The audio could be more precise. I was nervous the whole time. My beautiful parents were able to hear the news with me.
Everyone, meet my bestie, FRED. Fred is the little guy who helps keep me alive and stroke-free.
God’s Plan
In my last blog post — the sad post — I said the aneurysm had won. I was wrong! Baby, I won. I could only see the negative, but God was taking His time to show me His faithfulness. I wasn’t trusting and having faith. I didn’t know how to. This was a lesson in taking my time to slow down when talking to God. I must trust Him even when His course doesn’t make sense to me, even when I am afraid and frustrated. I see you, God. I hope you all can see Him and His work through me, too.
I am so happy! You all have no idea. This, however, is my push to not settle in recovery. I HAVE to keep proving myself and making myself proud. Be patient with me as I do that and struggle with things like depression, anxiety, and now ADHD. If you all see/hear me not giving myself grace, pull me to the side like my friend Slade does and remind me about grace.
I feel so special. Let me float in my joy for awhile.
As always, thanks for letting me share
The post God’s Plan: In the End, I Win appeared first on The Ruptured Sunflower.